JAN

My name is Jan. I am 35 years old.

I always knew there was something different about me, but didn't know what. My parents just kept telling me that I was just a bad child. They never offered help or encouragement. I still have a lot of anger towards them for that. I was always treated differently than my 2 siblings. I was always the "trouble maker". After so many years of being told that I was "bad", I felt that I really was. I acted the part well. I was always in trouble at school and home. I was miserable, so in turn, I wanted everyone else to be miserable too and I did my best to make them that way.

I am not proud of the way I was, but I am dealing with it. I got into alcohol and drugs. It was my only escape. I started having sex at the age of 12. I was raped, but again, I thought I deserved it. My mother told me that I had probably asked for it and to let it go and not cause problems for the family. So began my lifestyle of drinking, drugs and sex. I still hate myself sometimes for the things I have done, but I can't go back and change them.

God has forgiven me, but I still can't forgive myself. I am still trying to figure it out if it was "learned behavior" or the bipolar disorder that caused my actions. I watched my mother have affair after affair, so I kinda confused about that.

My father was an alcoholic and rarely home. He provided well for us as far as material things, but was never there to support or help us. We had the best of everything......homes, cars, clothes.......everything but the love that small children need. Neither of my parents knew (or know) how to truly love.

I started in therapy at the age of 26 and have continued with that. I have come a long way, but still have a long way to go.

At the age of 20 my 19 year old brother committed suicide. We were devastated, but my parents still refused to get any kind of help. From that point on things got really bad. I started drinking and before the year was out, I was downing no less than a pint of Tequila a day. Our family did not have the skills to console or comfort each other so I was on my own. For the next 2 years, I spent my time drinking and doing drugs (mostly cocaine and acid). I would get high and have sex to try and feel loved for a little while. It was the worst 2 years of my life, but it was also the best. The mania can't be compared to any drug. I finally got into trouble with the law. I was facing prison time, but my Dad bought my way out of that. (Good ole' Dad......always there with his money, but never his help or emotional support.) I continued my lifestyle for a few more months, until I tried to commit suicide twice.

I was hospitalized in 1992 and diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I started taking my medications (God, there was so many!). I met my husband and we were married in August of 1993. He introduced me to the greatest therapist of all time........GOD! My life really turned around. I decided that I didn't need my parents. I was important to many people. I figured it was their loss. I still beg them today to seek professional help, but they both believe they are fine. My father stopped drinking after my brothers death, but still has untreated depression. My mother shows all the signs of being bipolar, but refuses help. Also in 1992, I had an accident at work. I have had 3 cervical surgeries so far and there will be more to come. I tried to continue working on and off until 1999. I haven't worked since then, but still can't get my Social Security Disability started.

I now have 2 wonderful, beautiful boys, ages 7 and 2. I still have up ands downs, but at least I have found true love. True love is what makes me want to continue on this journey of life. I have accepted that it will never be easy, but it will all be worth it. I have broken the family chain of keeping our illnesses is the closet. My sons will have a better understanding of mental illness. I don't hide from them. I try and educate them. I pray that my illness is not inherited by them, but if it is, at least my husband and I will know how to help them.