Hi. My name is Kate. I am thirty three years old. I have two children, ages fourteen and nine. I have been married for ten and half years to my best friend. I have a Bachelor's Degree, but currently work as a paramedic. Funny, huh!
I didn't always think that I was different. I used to be hyper, as a kid. I can remember back a long time and I seem to recall that I used to wonder if people talked about me or even liked me. I have always had a self-esteem problem. I seem to always wobble on the edge of fragile, when it comes to my self-esteem.
The first time I was depressed (that I can really remember) was my sophomore year in high school. I was depressed the entire year. It was a bad year for me and my family. The counselor that my parents took me to told my parents that I needed to be put on Lithium. HELLO!
Unfortunately for me my doctor frowned on it and the psychiatrist looked at my family and talked to us a total of two times and declared that we had family problems and that I did not need to go on Lithium. I was fifteen years old. I wonder how different my life would have been, if I had gone on Lithium.
At age sixteen I had my first panic attack, but did not realize what it was. It was very scary. Actually, if truth be know, I'm wondering if it wasn't a heart attack. I had that "foreboding" feeling, I broke out into a cold sweat and it felt like someone threw me on the table. I literally slammed into the table during driver's education. I have a Q wave on my ECG. Of course, it could have been an anxiety attack and the Q wave is normal for me.
I had panic attacks all the way through age eighteen. I even had very realistic nightmares that eventually caused my psychiatrist to put me on a tranquilizer at night. Oh, yeah, I actually went to a pshrink on my own, while at college. It didn't last.
Anyway, I have ridden the roller coaster for several years. It has ruined relationships and cost at least one job. It has been very hard for me to make friends and to be understood by people, who don't know me.
Last year (2001) I had an affair on my husband with a man, who suffers from depression and probably has even more problems than that! I left my husband and lived on my own for a few months, while this affair ran its course. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!! I wasn't yet diagnosed with anything and I didn't know I was suffering from anything. Of course, now I see I was suffering from BPII, depression and poor judgment.
I ended up having this horrible maniac episode. I have NEVER had a maniac episode that bad. I had been doing some reading about mania and depression. I transport people that are BP, so I guessed that that was my problem.
I went to a psychiatrist and had a talk. She put me on Neurontin. I was already on Celexa. I had already talked to my MD about my depression.
Let me tell you something......that was the best move I have ever made. I have been on Neurontin for almost a year and Paxil (moved from Celexa) for almost a year. My life is so much better. I have responded well to the medications.
My marriage has pieced itself back together. I gave the affair the old heave ho (which was so smart of me!) I am happier than ever, even though I have moments that I am incredibly depressed. I know that I am a very lucky woman to have gotten my life straightened out.
The only real sad thing is that at age fifteen the counselor was right and everyone else was wrong. I can only imagine how different my life would have been. I can only wonder. Sad, isn't it!
I put Christ in my life, went on medications, and started talking out my issues. I am grateful to my God, my husband, my friends and my family for everything that I have accomplished. I'm even grateful for the man I had an affair with because that experience put me over the edge and caused me to have the breakdown that resulted in all the help I got.
Well, that's it. That's the short-short version of my life.
BipolarConnection
2001 - 2008
