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Littlema
As I sit here and try to figure out how I want to tell my story the memories come flooding back. They are not easy to bear with so please bear with me.
I think I remember when my first episode happened when I was 14 years old. Of course my mother would say different but this is my story. I remember because I did not know what to do I was in such a manic state that no one would even come near me. They thought I was a nut. So to deal with this I began drinking (the drugs would come later) the drinking quickly began my only escape, when I was manic this was the only way I could figured out how to come down some. When I stop drinking the depression came crashing down around me. I had nobody there to help me with this. My parents where always with my sister who was terminally ill so I was on my own. As I look back I wish my parents would have seen something anything then maybe I would not have had to go though all I did. I am not one to go into specific stories just the facts. By this time I was 17, I was a full blown alcoholic and that's when the drugs came in. I still to this very day do not know how I made it though high school and then some collage. The alcohol did not work to keep me in check so I needed something else, so here I was not knowing what is actually wrong with me. Just knowing I wasn’t right. I did not fit in, and someone introduced me to crack well my god I thought I found my answer, but that was short lived, after about 6 months of that I was to the point where I could not even get enough of the crack and/or the alcohol. So now came the time when I had to start finding ways to deal with these manic episodes got into
a lot of trouble even with the law. I was about 18 or19 somewhere around there. I was still an addict but I thought well if I can find someone who really loves me then they will help me, right. Wrong I met someone, a drinking partner and we had are first baby. I still had not been diagnosed yet. After my first child I went and seen a phcytrist after trying many medications for depression I still did not feel better. That is when I became suicidal I tried twice to kill myself. On my third
hospitalities is when they told me I was bipolar I also started having anxiety attacks. I was put on depakote and
zanax. My this time I had my second child. I was doing better. In 1992 Feb. 3rd to be exact I went into a detox this was not my first one but it was my last one. I have been sober since almost 9 years. That is when I stayed on my meds. and began working on myself. In all this mess I did have one more child who now at the age of ten is diagnosed bipolar. My second child now 13 is diagnosed with ADHD. I lost my sister April 16, 1986, I still miss her today. The man I married I’m still with. He has sobered up. He was as bad a drunk as I was. He was also mentally and sometimes physical abusive. He has changed all that. He took a lot of anger management classes and has become a man I really do love. He understands more of what I go though, because he has to watch his son go though it also. In Jan 1993 his brother who I believe was bipolar killed himself, he hung himself which is only one more lose to are family. After seeing what suicide does to a family I could not image doing this to my children. My children are slowly getting better, my daughter who is 15 now is the best thing to happen to me. The only thing is now I have to deal with my mother who in a year has tried to kill herself 5 times she never even showed a sign of depression until then at the age of 57. I am now 36 years old, I have been sober and stable for nearly 10 years now, and sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose it all. Everything I’ve worked for feels like it’s just slipping away and I know I can’t let this happen. My life depends on it. I do not have another recovery in me. For now all I can do is stay with my therapy stay on my meds. and pray to God I make though just one more day. For me one day at a time is all I can do, some days I have to take it minute by minute. Thank you for letting me share some of what my life has been being a person who is bipolar and a recovering addict. If I was to sit here and tell you every detail this would probably be one of the longest story told. I honestly believe I could probably write a book and I'm sure a lot of people find they could also. Again thank you for this forum, something I think we all can benefit from. My love to all of us who suffer day in and day out.
PS: I wrote this story about
six years ago.
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BipolarConnection
2001 - 2008
