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SEARCHING FOR A RAINBOW

A JOURNEY INTO THE DARKNESS OF MANIC DEPRESSION

 

 It's three am and I am still wide awake. The house is so quiet, an almost dead, cold silence. I stare into the mirror, not recognizing who or even what is standing there in my place. This creature is not young and vibrant, nor glowing with excitement over things she is looking forward to. No, whatever this is that has stolen my body and mind is a mere image of who I once was, who I once loved to be. Now there is only darkness. Darkness of love, life, darkness of what it feels like to really LIVE, to really want to live. No, all hope is dwindling down like the flames I sit here and watch in the fireplace. They almost seem more alive than me, with the red embers glowing and flashing. The light that once lived inside this body is not here anymore, it's gone, from my eyes and my heart. There is nothing left but the blackness, the voices in this mangled thing they call my brain. I am a prisoner of my own mind, locked inside this personal Hell, one that no one wants to see or can ever comprehend. This is my own Hell, and one that I myself cannot escape, nor can I be rescued from it. Not the doctors, not the religious man, not even those who watch me fight to survive this hell. No, I am alone. Totally alone. Separated from the rest of society. Locked inside my own self. No strength left in my body, neither mental nor physical, to fight to even try and escape. I cry out to who or whatever this is that is tearing at my soul, determined to rip it from my chest. "Why me?! Why do I have to live in this awful mess and struggle to through every waking hour? God please, let me die, or escape all this pain, whichever one you can, please God!" Tired, so tired. How do I make those around me understand how much pain and agony I am in? How can they understand this thing I don't even understand? I am sorry if I hurt them, but my constant grief has numbed me, to everything. The smell of fresh rain that I used to love, now only reminds me of how many tears I sit here in this lonely place and shed. The sun shining on my face doesn't feel warm and relaxing, it only burns. The flowers will soon be blooming, that I always looked forward to, but not anymore. it only reminds me that the beauty will be short lived. And once again, they will wither away in the hot sun, losing their tender, soft pedals to the summer wind. I cannot seem to find any light, only black, frightening shadows, ready to engulf me the moment I become weak, unable to fight. Always lingering around me, never letting me have peace, not for just one single minute. Somebody, anybody, please! Help me, show me the light at the end of the tunnel! Get me out! Oh God! Please! Quiet again. I look out of my window at the moon, shining ever so clear, seeming to talk like a wise old man. "You can escape this...you can set yourself free." For a moment, calm, comfort, then it starts again. That wasn't the damn moon talking! Jesus! I'm going out of my mind! The moon talking, the shadows dancing on the walls from the smoldering fire, they are even after me, reaching for me, as though they will somehow warm this cold, sick body and mind. If I could just go to sleep, when I sleep, I don't hurt...... Please.....just let me go to sleep.

Written By Chrissy Hawkins

 

 

 

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